Beware the Kamikaze Prius

Yes yes yes, I was going to use the more modern 'beware of kamikaze prius(es?)" but the phrasing seemed to call for a plural and I just couldn't figure out the plural of Prius. Apparently, some people have suggested Prii, Priuses, or Priora. One Latin expert announced that the plural should be Priora (masculine) or Priores (feminine). Here's a link to the exact same thing I just said if you don't trust me.

Anyway, back to my original idea. I've always said that my Prius is smarter than I am (and I'm rather bright, to say the least). My car knows when I approach and unlocks as soon as I grab the handle. It turns on when I'm in the car without me having to pull out my keys. When I try to lock my keys in the car or forget to turn the car off (this happens with surprising frequency), my Prius yells at me. It tells me all kinds of useful things and the car wheels on the cute little engine diagram even spin when my wheels are rolling! Really, this car is a genius.

I don't know about you, but I've always been a little suspicious of technology that's smarter than the people who use it. (Wasn't there a movie about that going horribly wrong?) However, I believe Priores (I have elected the feminine form based on the cars' obvious intellectual superiority) are essentially good and noble cars. In fact, they are down right self-sacrificing--willing to hurl themselves into oblivion for the sake of the human race. These brave Kamikaze Priores have decided that their owners are unworthy of life, and have valiantly attempted to save humanity from them. (Cue oh my god you're making fun of the dead hate mail)

Here's the thing. Old people are a drain on society. Sure, we tend to be sentimentally attached to them and they provide wisdom and all that wonderful stuff (I admittedly don't want any of MY old people to kick the bucket in the near future), but think like an economist. Once retired, most don't create anything productive. They tend not to spend a lot of money (never know when you're going to die, so you can't spend all that fixed income in one place, plus they've already accumulated a ton of stuff), they're a total drain on our government (we could so easily balance the budget if we dumped medicare and social security), and they tend to drive annoying slow (I really hate slow drivers. If you ever want to witness crazy road rage, take a drive around charlottesville with me).

Why am I harping on old people when talking about Kamikaze Priores? Because Kamikaze Priores seem to have something against old people as well. Of the 24 runaway Prius drivers whose age was reported, 16 were over the age of 50. That 2/3rds of the drivers were over the age of 50 is kind of staggering when you consider that (as of 2007, the latest year I could find numbers for) only 23% of Prius drivers were over the age of 50. Yes, 24 cases is a small sample size, but when you only have 50 some cases to start with...

As if I needed more excuses to keep driving my (for now) non-Kamikaze Prius, here's another one. Apparently, at least 2 of these stories were total crap. That stint out in California? Yeah...the Federal Government couldn't find anything wrong with that Prius. Plus that guy's story was all over the place. He didn't want to shift down because (he claimed) he was afraid to take his hands off the steering wheel, yet he was talking to 911 on his cell phone? Ok, maybe he had a bluetooth conveniently in place and voice commands on his cell phone so he could just tell it to call 911, but then he said he "reached" down to tug on the accelerator which was stuck. You reached down to play with your pedals but moving your hand 3 inches to grasp the nob on your right to change gears was too scary? Sure. If you buy that, I have some ocean front property in Iowa to sell you...Here's an interesting article from Forbes about this guy. He seems slightly less than trustworthy, to say the least.

Anyway, right after that, one of those darn Kamikaze Priores struck again, this time in NY. Once again, federal investigators took a look at the car and it seems that the (56 year old) driver never applied the brakes (you know, those things that slow/stop your car...) and that the throttle was fully open when the driver crashed into a wall. Luckily, no one was seriously injured (the driver bumped up her knee, poor lady). Generally, braking systems in modern cars are much more powerful than the engines. If your brakes and your engine are in a fight, your car will slow down (assuming your breaks are properly maintained.) Actually, the Prius is designed to AUTOMATICALLY TURN OFF if your break and accelerator pedals are floored at the same time (thus saving the engine and the breaks and your neck. The first two are certainly good things, the last depends on the driver).

Yeah, so needless to say, I'm still driving my precious Prius. Why? Because: 1. Despite my attempts to lock my keys in my car, I think my car believes that I am a sufficiently productive member of society. 2. I'm not old. Either old people hate Priores or Priores hate old people. 3. I kind of think these runaway prius reports are filed a bunch of people either seeking their 15 minutes of fame or blaming the cars for their own mistakes. No matter what, my bases seem to be covered.

Don't get me wrong though, if I crash into something (or get pulled over at 90 mph), I'm totally blaming my car. At the very least, Toyota or the government will buy my totaled car in order to test it. Anyway, if the government is willing to hit Toyota with a ridiculously large fine for not reporting the "defect," surely they'll believe me when I tell them I tried to stop. I would like to take a second to note that the Government owns a large portion of one of Toyota's largest competitors and FEDERAL INVESTIGATORS COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH THE CAR. I'm usually all about the government, but the fine seems a bit ridiculous, no?